Wanting , still wanting

So today I was visiting a friend and we were having coffee. Nothing exciting or stressful. No so-called triggers to watch out for.

And I saw it a half open bottle of chardonnay on her kitchen counter.  I felt a MAGNETIC pull towards the bottle . Alcohol brain kicked in full swing , imaging one large glass full of glorious wine( well of course that would turn into three bottles but i imagined one glass) . I imagined the elegance of sipping the wine . I could taste it. I could smell it.

I went home soon after that, I did not drink, that is the main thing. I did not drink.

So, no, I am not on a pink cloud dancing around with bunnies or whatever it is you are meant to be at 38 days sober. Today  I am angry. Angry with myself that I drank so much that I can never enjoy another glass of wine.

Angry with wine for carrying on existing without me. ( absolutely pathetic i know)

How long will this mental tug of war carry on?

 

37 days sober

This has been the longest 37 days of my life.

It is difficult to describe the range of feelings giving up alcohol has invoked. In fact it has taken this long for me to begin to articulate what I am feeling.

On one hand I feel hopeful. My anxiety is more manageable than it has ever been , and my mood in general feels more stable . I can see the benefits of not drinking. When I started I never believed I could do one day sober let alone 37 days. I feel, well , proud!

However I still feel a bereavement that is difficult to explain. Like the loss of a love affair . Wine was my constant companion. Eventually like most people I drank mostly alone. Wine the only witness to my miseries. Wine comforted and betrayed me on a daily basis for many years. I kept seeking out the abuse,essentially self harm.

I keep on reminding myself that this sobriety is  unconditional . Nothing is bad (  or good)enough to drink for. My monster alcohol brain rears it demonic head about “needing” or “deserving” a drink. The effort of silencing this demon is exhausting.

As a coping mechanism my life has become small. AA meetings, which I find very helpful and yet immensely draining, and avoiding places with alcohol ( which is basically everywhere but my house) and reading.

But yes  I am glad that I am evolving even although it is uncomfortable.